and i don't have car insurance either.
i am so frusterated! on december 10th, there is a festival in san francisco called 'not so silent night' and modest mouse, muse, interpol and others are playing. tickets have been sold out for awhile, but i had the opportunity to get some, and i really want to take my sister heidi, as a christmas present to her. she and i have that connection of appreciation for music and i wanted to do something seemingly rather big for her. i've seen so many great bands play, she has seen maybe.... two. since she's not 18 yet, and so few shows are "all ages" anymore, we rarely get this opportunity. so i raced over to work and saw that i had a four hour shift that day. jim said he would gladly take it for me, so i approached my manager, and asked if she would mind him taking my shift for me. she asks "what for?" i explain that i really want to take my sister to this festival as a christmas gift to her, it was really important. she looks at me and says "ummm.... no." what? "no, i can't let you." is this because it is my friday shift? or do you not want jim working it? "no, only if it were an emergency. i don't want anyone trading shifts."
i seriously couldn't say anything. i never thought she would say no.
i freaking hate my stupid job sometimes. i can't just call in sick or not show up now, and it is so entirely not worth the 50 bucks i'll get in four hours to miss the show. the politics of that place piss me off and i would just find another job but i have been with the company so long now that there is no way anywhere else could pay me better. and i really do love my job most of the time. well, i loved it in seattle, i don't so much here.
if there were any possible way i could be my own boss i would do so. i need to explore that option more. i need to just start the record label i have for so long now been saying i want. i need to just start DOING.
it isn't that she said "no" that frusterates me. its that she had the option.
bridges
the new glass bridge (aka sundial bridge) is phenomonal. Evan and I both decided we feel like we are in Asia whenever we are there, because of all of the grotesquely over-emphasized architecture. and if you put your ear up to the cables and slap it really hard, it sounds like a zoom tube! I went there with my almost-entire family the other night, and we looked like the partridge family skipping around the bridge. we are dorky and i love it.
i wish i could post pictures and videos. my blog sucks kind of.
My moment of the week: While watching Shrek 2, i have trained my 5 year old brother theo to say "Yeah Tom Waits!" whenever his song comes on.
cheers.
happy thanksgiving!
happy thanksgiving everyone!
today was so great... i had my whole family here and joey came too which was so entertaining. i miss my brother noah so much, so any chance to see him is great. I am closer to him than any other sibling, we connect on so many crazy levels of life. living in redding while he is in LA is just weird... i wish he could be here. Last year I was working a 10 hour day at Starbucks in Huntington Beach, and co-workers were kind enough to bring me and amie (who also had to work that day) plates of leftovers from their meals. so i went home (alone), heated the leftovers, and camped on the couch to watch a marathon of FRIENDS. it was a sucky day, holiday spent alone.
so anyway, my brother nick is this way hardcore photographer who has all of this insane equipment.... shadowbox cameras and tripods and lighting and foil umbrella thingys... so he brought it down from Boise. He wanted to take "family portraits" (more like group photos at thanksgiving) but he is so meticulous that he drove everyone crazy because it took so long to set up. In fact, he is still taking pictures in the other room. anyways, we were doing "family portrait", and since joey was there, he got to take all of the pictures! yay for joey! i thought he should be in it so we could be like "yeah, look, this is our family portrait and joey's in it." Kind of like how when you are at Disneyland and you see people taking pictures, you purposefully try to get into the background of their photos? same idea. but way more ultimate.
there are 7 children in my family, and all of us are very different. Being at dinner with my family is always like being at the circus, but so much more fun. It's pretty crazy, because we are all very loud. Today just re-inforced more and more why I have moved home. See, so much has been going on with my family, my Grandmother has been slowly losing her sense of reason and logic. We are really praying that this is more senil dimentia and less early signs of alzheimers. For the most part, she is just completely normal, and then other times, it's like you can't figure out what she is thinking and doing. It has been pretty stressful on my family, because she is the most amazing grandma. for my aunt and my dad, it has been especially hard, because as they try to take care of her, she is so defensive because she feels like they are constantly ganging up on her. It is the perfect example of one of the toughest forms of love.
My youngest sister is 14 and she is going through the absolute hardest time right now. She reminds me so much of myself at 14 because she is dealing so much with some of the same depression and anxiety that i did at 14. I know nobody else in our family can relate to her, because they really have not suffered the same way. I want to be here for her so badly, and we are very close, but it is still hard sometimes because as much as i have been there, i know she always feels like no one understands. i hurt for her so much, and that is why i am so happy i am here with her and not feeling helpless for her in seattle instead. even if i can do nothing, i am at least available. because really, that is all i can do, is just be here.
I have the worst complex as the oldest child; wanting to always help and always fix, always be the diplomatic one. But even at the gate Beautiful, when there were so many sick and afflicted people there, Jesus didn't heal everyone (even though he was more than capable). And I have to constantly remind myself that I don't have to "heal" everyone. I am not called to that. But it still can be so hard.
Being here, surrounded by my family, feeling like I am at the circus, I could not be happier right now.
Happy thanksgiving everyone!
doodles on starbucks napkins.
roadsign tragedy.
roadsigns redirecting traffic as they pull out and away in front of others
impatient and tunnel visioned as they drive, missing the view
and i'm stuck with my thumb out trying to hitch a ride in this fast moving river of bodies all with their own vision to get
somewhere and reach that destination
searching for success, searching for validation
and being sucked into that dangerous flow, i've passed up the opportunity to witness the beauty that surrounds me now
and i know that with this attitude we will never learn to rest and appreciate.
we will never arrive, we will always be dissatisfied.
it looks better on the napkin.
observations on friends.
it is 11:03 pm. arriving back from in-n-out with joey peter and david. so tired.
the decision to move back to redding came so fast, i wasn't prepared for it. the decision was made and manifested 2 weeks later, and driving like a trucker with my fatty moving van hauling my car while all i wanted dissapeared into vast and abstract scenery behind me. feeling like thomas wolf, you can never go home, i thought i was moving back to a land of strangers. this redding now will never be the redding i knew, and the people who exist here are not the same people they were then. what i am discovering is how recklessly i began to forget what amazing people are here, and the consequences of this move have been the biggest of blessings and most delightful of surprises. for those who don't know and those that i have fallen out of touch with in the last six months, so much began to happen with my family, that the emotional and financial strain of trying so hard to visit whenever work and pocketbook would allow was quickly overwhelming. so i find myself again in northern california, because nothing is a sacrifice when i am doing it for my family, they are my number one ministry, they are my everything. and after leaving seattle, it truly felt like a part of me fell dormant there, like i lost an important part of myself, and was lame as this may sound, being back here has woken me up all over again.
i forgot how many incredible people there are in redding.
conclusion, i am so thankful i am here.
begin
here begin my letters from the land of strangers.
