musings.
Even with this blog. I still keep a paper back journal. Actually, I keep like seven of them, various books strown about my room and car and such and I will just write in whichever one is closest... they aren't so much organized. I don't know why.... I journal about everything, and I blog about nonesense mostly. nothing too deep. That's kind of tragic in a way, when we are so scared of what we might say that we just, don't.So all the things going through my head.
I am so restless here, and terrified of being stationed permanently into anything.... Redding, my job, my house.. and I keep waiting for that next moment where my life will again be disrupted and I will move onto another city, make new friends, find new passions in art, music, anything... have my heart broken, pack up and leave again. its a trend. but it can be more appealing to know that in that trend I am constantly experiencing new things, even if painful, than to be stagnant where I'm at. The idea of settling TERRIFIES me. I love my family, I love my home. I have been happier (and emotionally healthier) since being here than I have been in the last two years. And at the same time I miss Seattle, I miss LA. I am scared of what I could be missing.
I haven't had a single regret about where the last two years have taken me. I trust God, and what He has done through all of this is yet to be seen.... If anything, it has shown me what I can handle, and that is absolutely nothing without Him. My seasons are short and many. So often I feel like a rubix cube... no matter how much things in my life change nothing every seems to line up.
I am honestly scared of pursuing my passions. I dream so big, and all of the things I want are so very precious to me, that the thought of not acheiving them is painful. And that is why being here scares me. Today I completed my application to be a manger at Starbucks, but this isn't what I want... I am so afraid of waking up in ten years and still putting on a green apron to go to work. I guess that I just see every moment I pour myself into where I am at now, is a moment I am not pouring myself into where I want to be. So instead of putting together press packs and booking shows for my own venue I am studying up on Starbucks newest drink promo "Chantico" which I couldn't possibly be less excited about. Really, I just don't care.
I know I sound jaded, but the last few days I have been walking around kind of wondering, what happened to me? My mom bought me a beautiful easel for Christmas and Graham got me a gift certificate for canvas and supplies. I loved it, and I said "Wow, maybe I can start painting again" and Graham said "yeah nina, that was the point."
Its not just painting. I so rarely play my guitar, I haven't ridden in weeks, I can't remember the last show I went to... and it is all because I am working seven days a week for something thats not all that important.
I know God wants me here. I have no doubt. I know He has called me to Silence. My Utmost for His Highest has a great devotion about how God trusts the strong with Silence. It is one of our greatest tests of Faith, because we are being so blindly led. It is all about Faith. Just Faith.
And it is terribly frightening.
posted by nina @ 1:45 AM
5 Comments:
thank you jacob. i appreciate your thoughts, and words.
i want to say something nice and encouraging, but all i feel i can do is relate. the idea of settling is and has always been very daunting. even beeing married, i don't want to stop this annual interchange, but at the same time i do. i don't know, it all puzzles me. however i find hope in that fact that we are still young, though we feel old, even now, we have so much time remaining. as well as the fact that we don't have to settle down, it's not a requirement for success. we can continue this movement until we "really go home" to settle down with our Creator.
sorry for rambling, but i hear you nina.
yeah i understand. i worry about being settled down as well, but more so how am i going to get there. the future scares the crap out of me. i have no idea what to expect. i guess just stop looking to the future and find contentness where you're at, or you will never get there.
i noticed that this whole topic is viewed differently after you settle down. i dont remember how i thought before i had a wife and daughter.
thanks you guys. I guess a lot of what I fear is not finding contentedness in the "now" of things. Always looking at the past, or looking at the future. I end up missing the beauty of the present. I look back of where I have been with fondness, and realize i never appreciated it when i was in those moments. josh and matt, you two have such beautiful families, and i think that is part of what i look forward to so much that i forget it is okay to not have that yet. anyways, thanks for the thoughts everyone.
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