poeticsofdescription: weakness.

Montag, Mai 1

weakness.

so i am facing quite a turn of events for my life.
this little thing we go through in our twenties called 'soul searching' (the title leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.) i am the half of whats left of a former couple. i am facing more debt at 25 than i would have cared to accrue in my entire lifetime. i am learning what it looks like to truly love unconditionally and selflessly, and how hard that is.
i feel like i have gotten to a place where I look at God the way I look at famous artists/ musicians/ actors what have you. Truly more people I have great respect for and do not know personally. You can admire someone and say "Wow I just love them! They are so amazing and lovely and good and I want to emulate them in every way possible."
I love them, but I don't know them. I admire them, but I do not seek a further understanding of them.
It has been this way so long I don't even know how to approach changing it.
My baby step conversations in the last few days with God have mainly consisted of "I want to say I'm hurting. I want to say I'm broken. I want to say I want to know you again." But I don't know how to say them.
Writing this post is probably the most vulnerable I have been able to be in front of God for so long now. This post is the closest thing I have had to sincere prayer.